Ravaging Times

chapter 5

chapter 5 The Peach Garden Bandits
(“peach garden three robber”)

{sign reads: city of Jingyang}

{sign reads: the Grand Administrator of Jingyang}
{sfx: pa~ pa~ pa~ pa~}

[?]: See that? That’s what you get for opposing Chancellor Dong Zhuo!
{sfx: pa}


[?]: Geezer! You think we men of Dong Zhuo are pushovers?

{sfx: pa}


[?]: Imperial Han is plagued by war and strife! The Yellow Turbans may have been removed, but then the warlords rose up to oppose the court. Now is the time to show our loyalty to our country!

[?]: Louder.
[Liu Bei]: Today, I, Liu Bei, come to raise funds on behalf of Chancellor Dong Zhuo! To show appreciation for the court!
(“…liu xuan de…”, I heard a fan critique that ancient Chinese do not self-reference by their courtesy name, so I might sometimes change it back to their regular name if I remember this tidbit)

[?]: That’s Liu Bei? Shit, he became Dong Zhuo’s dog!

[?]: Scram!
[?]: Don’t rob me!

[?]: They say Liu Bei is a nice guy, but my eyes tell me differently!
(“…today see him instead like this morality”)
[?]: There will always be scumbags exploiting a country during hard times. Sigh!

[?]: Who’s whispering? Come out!


[?]: Dong Zhuo’s men were inhumane on their way to the capital! They deserve to die!
[?]: You claim blood relation to the Imperial clan and yet you side with that cruel traitor!

[?]: Minion! Don’t come any closer, you cat-face!
[?]: Scram!
[Zhang Song]: Even I, a lowly teacher Zhang Song, look down on you!

[?]: Come with me!
[ZS]: Traitor! Let go of me!

[?]: Get the fuck out of Jingyang!

{sfx: hoo~}



{sfx: pa~}

[LB]: They say Jingyang’s watermelons are sweet and juicy. I wonder how this one will taste.


[LB]: I’m in such a hurry today that I only have time to eat one slice.
[LB]: If that chest isn’t filled to the brim with riches by the time I’m done, that cat-face…

[LB]: will throw you out one by one.

{sfx: pa pa pa}
[?]: Got it? Hurry up!

{sfx: dahn~ dahn~}

{sfx: dahn~ dahn~}

[LB]: Mm?

[LB]: That’s… not enough… not enough…
[?]: No? I think it’s plenty sweet!

[LB]: No, I meant the chest of wealth isn’t enough!

[LB]: Just like this chewed-down rind. All it takes to get more juice out is a little squeeze.

[?]: Liu… sir Liu, that’s all we have!
[?]: While the war is on we’re all tightening our belts!

[LB]: There are more at home, right?
(“on-body none…”)

{sfx: ta! ta! ta!}

[LB]: Men! Confiscate everything!

[?]: Open up! Ration tax!
[?]: Geezer! What’s that under your shirt?

{sfx: pong~}

[?]: Give it back! Give it back!

[?]: Your gold teeth are ours now!



[?]: Ah!

{army movement sfx}

[?]: Master! The Guandong Alliance is coming!

[?]: Retreat! Leave by the west gate!

[?]: Only this much loot, damn it!

[?]: That villain is finally gone!
[?]: The Guandong Alliance will give them a beating for sure!

[?]: Scram!

[?]: Traitor of Imperial Han! Pillaging scum!

{sfx: pa pa pa pa pa}
[LB]: You don’t approve of my actions, Yun Chang?
(Guan Yu’s courtesy name is Yun Chang)

[Guan Yu]: No! But I know you have your reasons, big brother.

[?]: Ouch! Shit! All these rocks!
(“…rocks all toward me coming”)

{sfx: pa}
[LB]: Then get out of the way!

[?]: Look! The Guandong Alliance has entered the city!

[LB]: Aha! Perfect timing!

[LB]: I’m still one step ahead of you, Yuan Shao!


[?]: Send word!

[?]: Hurry! Notify Commander Yuan Shao of what’s going on here!
{crowd noise}

The warm reception by the residents melted the hearts of these battle-weary soldiers of the Guandong Alliance!

{crowd noise}

Short on supplies as they were, the Guandong Alliance planned to pillage the city for rations…

But all of that was forgotten.

[?]: Master Zhang gave a rousing speech, but he was thrown out by the scoundrel and died.

[?]: Thrown across the walls?
[?]: Oh, teacher…

[?]: Hey, you crazy?
[?]: Your teacher is just fine!

What mortal has that kind of strength?

[ZS]: Tell me! What in the world happened?

[?]: Teacher! Uh…

Fifteen li away, the city of Huyang was just pillaged by the Guandong Alliance…

{crowd noise}

[?]: Money? The city was just raided by the army.
[?]: We’re all on the brink of death…
[?]: I’m but a walking corpse. Take it if you want!
(“life [I] have one, you want take it”)

[LB]: No!
[LB]: I’m here to save the city.

[?]: Listen up! We’ll be distributing money and food, so get in line!
[?]: Do you know how hard sir Liu had to work to collect these supplies?

[?]: Re… really?

{crowd noise}
[?]: Savior! Liu Bei the Savior!
[?]: So the legend of your benevolence is true!

[GY]: The common folks are the only ones who suffer during chaotic times.

[GY]: If our big brother hadn’t raided Jingyang in Dong Zhuo’s name, the people there wouldn’t have hated Dong Zhuo to the bone.

[GY]: Then they wouldn’t have poured their heart out to the Guandong Alliance.

[?]: Their warm welcome would dissuade the Guandong Alliance from robbing them, thus saving their lives.

[?]: If they were raided, their city will look just like this!
[?]: That’s the cost of war. There are no good guys or bad guys.

[?]: Sooner or later, the people of Jingyang will understand our big brother’s intention.

[?]: There is only one man in the world who you’ll thank for robbing you…
[?]: Such is our big brother’s charm!

[?]: While I… can only play the villain.

[GY]: Don’t feel bad for that Grand Administrator. What’s a little beating compared to the luxury he always enjoyed?
(“…compared to poor people, he high rank high salary…”)

[GY]: Rob one city to save two.
[GY]: There is nothing stranger than this.

[?]: Yes. This kind of weird idea

[?]: can only be conjured up by our “foolish” big brother.
{flag reads: Liu}

Many years later, there were all kinds of criticism levied against this man named “Liu Bei”. They said he stole major cities of Xuzhou and Jingzhou to use as his military base. But the strange thing is…

people of all social status in those cities appreciated him and had no complaint about what he did. Was he a bandit? Or a king? Only the future generations have a say in the matter…


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