Ravaging Times

chapter 256

This is a twisted era.

I remember that when I was very young the Emperor did not manage the affairs of the country. The real governing power landed in the hands of the Ten Attendants.

Being an eunuch in those days meant more prestige, power, and wealth than a high ranking official.

When everyone was trying to stray from an honest life, I received what others can only dream of having.

Though my body lost something at the same time…

chapter 256 The End In Sight
(or “destination in sight”)

My two “uncles” were in powerful positions in the palace because they served the royal family.

My childhood was joyous. I had everything I wanted, and I learned anything that was trendy in the palace.

That year I liked archery the best.

I lived so that one day I may serve the Emperor,
and live up to my uncles’ expectations.

Unfortunately my uncles were killed during the eunuch power struggle. I barely escaped the clutches of our nemesis.

Life was hard during those years of wandering.

After many turns the path led me to some of my uncles’ old friends who may avenge their deaths.

Good fortune returned as I once again lived without worries.

When the Yellow Turban rebellion lasted for many years, we had to seek refuge in Henei.

Soon the news arrived that the Sima clan has avenged my uncles.

And the credit went to this boy.

I knew then that I could never leave this place, because one must not forget how he came to being.

Unfortunately our nemesis also sought help from the Ten Attendants.
(not sure)

After which this clan was forever entangled in conflicts.
I joined the Handicapped Warriors that year.

I paid my debt to the clan by killing.
I still remember that moment when I made my first kill.

…how it felt to stray from the right way.

I lived my youth in pools of blood,

as well as the battle for riches.

I became fascinated with pharmacology that year.

I used drugs to numb my perplexed heart.

Once in a while a peer would support me out of innocence and sincerity.
(not sure)

But I knew that he will grow up and be soiled by the muddy current.

I still remember the days when Handicapped Warriors were numerous.

I certainly remember my dear brothers under the sun and moon.
(word-play on “sun moon” meaning for “years/time/many-days”)

But I also remember… the sun can be eclipsed,

and the moon can wane.

The longer the days of good fortune, the greater the payback during misfortune.
{banner reads: Sima residence}

I will lose as many people as I have killed.

I began to see the split between an ideal and reality.
During peace times we will cry over one’s passing for many days.

During war times we will be gleeful over ten thousand deaths for many years.

Gradually I realized that I live in an empty world. Everything I learned were nothing but lies and cheap tricks.
(not sure)

Some people have seen through it all and retreated into the mountains.

They returned to the basics of life to counter this ridiculous era.
(not sure)

And I have just reached this age.

Perplexity found me, unfortunately.

I began to search for the meaning of life in this twisted world.

My identity, something I used to pride myself in, has suddenly become a burden after the elimination of the Ten Attendants.

Sometimes I am even ashamed to identify myself.

Without anyone of my kind around,
I began to question my purpose in life.

The older I get, the more perplexed I become. And an inexplicable melancholy entered my way of thinking.

Troubling thoughts tortured me day after day.

I saw myself clearly through the fleeting moment(s) of ill intent.

I pondered over and over why I did what I did, but to no avail.

Fortunately the heavens gave me an answer.

Maybe this is for the better.

Though I also remembered that one must not forget his origin.

Debts must be repaid.

And as for the debts I owed –

let this poison arrow pay for it all.

Let the origin dissipate into thin air.

And more importantly, let me leave this path of misery.

They say your life flash before you eyes just before you die.

Mine only strengthened my resolve to head for an end.

I only hope to have the good fortune to die.

Can I?

Can I… really?

This is a twisted era. Why does fortune always favor Cao Cao?

Why must there be misfortune if there is good fortune.
(not sure)

I get it now. My life is expendable.

It has always been unnecessary.

The heavens chose a clear path for me,

and I only hope to leave without a care in the world…

Can I?

Can I?

I really want to go now, dear Heaven.

Please stop toying with me.

Don’t keep me anymore…

Last time I could not leave.
(more like not allowed to leave)

Surely this time I can.

For an animal raised in captivity, I have lived far too long.


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